One of the awesome things about pregnancy so far has been the crazy dreams. I probably should have sat down and written more of them, but mostly they are just quick glimpses into some crazy situation; like the time I was super athletic and played flag football with my brothers and their friends. I was awesome. None of them could keep up with me! (For the record, I have never and will never in my life play football or any contact sport with my brothers or any of their friends. They have always been too violent for this princess.) Or the time I dreamt I fell down the stairs while carrying the cat. Which I realized the next day was a dream after I went and freaked out my husband by telling him I fell down the stairs. Ah the joys of pregnancy brain, it’s been a really great ride. However, last night’s dream was so epic it must be shared!
My conscious dreams had finally come true in my unconscious. There was going to be two recordings of “the show” in front of a live studio audience. This was a special occasion as I know that this show is never filmed in front of a live studio audience. I was asked to be a part of the choir on both shows, but for whatever reason I was unable to make the first taping. I walked onto the set as the crew was busy running around preparing for the next show. The lights were blinding. I could see the risers for the choir off stage right; next to them was the kitchen complete with cupboards and an island; it looked like they took it straight from her lodge home. Next to the kitchen and all the way to stage left was a fully functioning 3 piece bathroom. Yes, a bathroom that the entire studio audience could see into because there were only two walls. I turned back to the kitchen after taking it all in, and then I saw her.
Her lightly curled auburn hair lightly fell onto her shoulders and her face lit up when she saw me-as if we were old friends. I noticed her brightly colored orange and yellow patterned shirt start to flow as she walked towards me. “Joanna?” she asked. My mouth went dry and with nothing short of a star struck look on my face I said “Yeah?” “Oh good you’re here! You are my special guest on today’s show. We need to get to work, follow me.”
My feet felt like they were caked in concrete as I tried to follow her for my instructions. “I’ll need you to first scrub the bathtub while I get the kitchen ready.” “OK” I said in response even though I thought it was strange that I had to clean the bathtub since she’s never had a bathroom on her show before, but come to think of it, she’s never had a choir on her show either. I went straight to work scrubbing the tub. I was going to be the best guest she has ever had on her show. As I finished scrubbing, I looked over into the kitchen and watched as she pulled a pan of burnt toast out of the oven. Clearly, whoever was her assistant on the first show wasn’t very good. I could see the look of frustration on her face. I swooped into action. I ran over to her and found a table knife in one of the drawers. There wasn’t enough time to make more toast before the next show started so I reassuringly touched her arm and said, “Let me show you a little trick” in the best Chinese accent I could muster as this is something my Chinese boss says to me all the time. She smiled and watched as I began scrapping all of the charred parts off the toast. “Wow I never would have thought of that,” she said. Proud of myself I said, “See? It will be okay and we can still start the show on time.”
After my genius toast revelation, she and I proceeded to laugh and bond over the sink as we both scrapped the charred crumbs off the burnt toast. As she was talking, I was thinking about all the questions I wanted to ask her, but for some reason they all sounded creepy and weird in my head. How does a 30 year old woman tell a celebrity she wants to be just like her when she grows up, without sounding like a stalker? Finally, I decided to keep the conversation light. If she likes me and doesn’t think of me as a creeper then maybe she will talk to me after today and I will be able to ask more of my questions and not sound creepy because she will already know and love me, right? I settled on one final sarcastic and what I thought was “cute” question. “Ree, may I call you Ree? How would you feel if my best friend and I decided to camp out on a corner of your ranch? Would that creep you out or would you even notice we were there?”And with that I had crossed the line into stalker-land, I watched her face change as she began to laugh nervously. I can imagine what was going through her head, “Oh my goodness this girl is a creeper! Get me out of here!”
And then my alarm went off. “NO! I didn’t even get to see how my debut on The Pioneer Woman ended! I didn’t even get in front of the cameras! Did we become best friends after that? Did I somehow regain her trust? Does she still think I’m a creeper? Does Ree Drummond accept me as her new best friend and invite me to live on her ranch?” The world will never know. Oh well, maybe another day in the conscious world I will get to revisit my unconscious dreams.